I decided not to leave a phone message. As my mind began racing through what I wanted to say in an email instead, I thought about my dual roles in school. As a teacher for more than 20 years, I have confidence that schools and teachers are there to help, support and build a relationship with parents. But as a parent, faced with having to speak to my child’s teacher, I froze.
Schools can be places where neither students nor parents feel supported or welcomed. Teachers must build a connection with families. The benefits for students are well documented.
As my mouse hovered over “send,”I wondered about other parents – those not part of a school environment – who wanted to clarify something or question a teacher. I thought about their apprehension. We educators tell parents we want them to communicate. But we rarely look forward to their clarifying, questioning and confronting.
As a teacher, I have communicated with parents over positive and negative circumstances. I remember walking a parent into a meeting and seeing fear on her face as she said, “I feel like I am in trouble.”
Remembering that, and recognizing my own apprehension about contacting a teacher on my children’s behalf makes me worry. It should make everyone in education worry because we need parents and teachers to connect for student success.
Something causes parents to hold back, to not pick up that phone or write that email. It might be their own childhood school experiences that taught them to feel like school is place they cannot trust. Sometimes it is truly the school culture that is uninviting or even hostile. Parents may see a place populated by people who don’t speak their language or appreciate their culture as a place they cannot trust.
I told the mom who was worried that she was in trouble, “No this is how we show we care.” She cried in our meeting that day. It hurt me both as a mom and a teacher. But it was a good cry because now she knows we are struggling with her, not against her.
The next week I sent her a personal email asking that she help with a few school events. She came to every event right after work. I gave her a big hug of thanks.
We can duplicate that connection. Parents will feel comfortable at school, and so will their children. That connection is essential. It benefits not just the student and the teacher but society as a whole.
Many parents already feel like that the school is theirs. They are your PTA members and room moms. But what about the parents that are distant and even antagonistic? For them, we must break through that exterior shell because the outcomes outweigh the initial discomfort.
We must coax, beg, and most importantly, invite parents to the school, especially for times that are about fun and entertainment. At our recent talent show, we had standing room only. Parents were so proud of their children and their school.
I got past the fear of emailing my own child’s teacher. We developed a rapport that has continued now that she is teaching my next child. My email may have been uncomfortable for both of us at first, but once the communication was open we both trusted the greater good would come. It did. All parents and teachers need to pick up those phones and send those emails.
Rucker is an elementary school teacher in California.