Helping teenagers in abusive relationships can be difficult because the warning signs are not always easy to detect, according to Barrie Levy, a psychotherapist and author of three books on the topic. The most obvious indicator of abuse is the evidence of injuries that the victim cannot explain.
More subtle signs to watch for are possessive and controlling behavior. "If as soon as that bell rings, a boy is by the door and his girlfriend has to walk to her next class with him, and if he really glares at her if she stops to talk to a friend, that's a sign of trouble," says Levy. "Also, any kind of checking up on her, following her, restricting her -- jealous comments about her friends or anything that takes her attention away from him." Changes in a student's behavior -- for example, withdrawal from friends and extracurricular pursuits or sudden changes in mood, personality or appearance -- can also signal a problem.
An adult who suspects a teen relationship is abusive should approach each partner separately. And don't expect either partner to readily admit there's something wrong, Levy says. "In any kind of domestic violence situation, a victim is apt to be very protective and defensive about her boyfriend or her husband and the relationship."
Levy cautions adults not to challenge the relationship but to focus on the victim's safety. A teacher might say, "Maybe you love him, but I can see you're being hurt," then provide information on how and where to get help.
If teachers witness a boyfriend hitting or pushing his girlfriend on school grounds, they should create consequences for the behavior. "With no ambiguity, he needs to be confronted and told that what he's doing is not OK. You can't hit your girlfriend any more than you can hit anybody else in school," Levy says.
She suggests turning to the nearest domestic violence center to seek help for both the abuser and the victim. While the center may not have programs in place for teenagers, the staff should be able to provide crisis counseling and help find available resources for dealing with the problem.
Barri Rosenbluth, Austin's TDVP coordinator, believes that perhaps the greatest contribution educators can make in preventing abuse is modeling respectful and equitable behavior in all their relationships. She feels that young men in particular need role models who demonstrate "the full range of masculine traits and don't just reinforce the ones associated with power and control."
Male coaches, principals and teachers can be powerful role models, Rosenbluth points out, but too often they remain silent on issues of abuse. "If more men would stand up and say 'Hitting girls is a sign of weakness,' that would help a lot," she says.
Teachers can begin laying the groundwork for healthy, respectful relationships even in elementary school, according to Rosenbluth. "When a boy is taunting a girl in some way, we say 'Boys will be boys' or 'He's just doing it because he likes you.'" But this sends the message that, if someone likes you, "they annoy you, treat you disrespectfully, harass you, pull your hair, whatever," Rosenbluth says, adding that teachers shouldn't ignore such harassment. "When it goes untreated, this behavior gets worse."